Tuesday, June 17, 2014

It's been awhile, and I'm terrible at blogging...

I rarely remember to get on blogger anymore, and I don't know if anyone else even reads my blog anymore but I've got some stuff that I'm ready to write down on here because I need to clear my head, and I don't get as much hand-cramping typing as I do writing. So here we go.

1. My father is and always will be an alcoholic. A mean one. About a year before Matt and I got married, my dad finally got sober and we were all sealed in the temple as a family. He stayed sober for about two years after that. After 3 years sober, he fell off the wagon and has yet to get back on and stay there. He has had day long, week long, and even months long bouts of sobriety but nothing as successful as that first time, 3 1/2 years ago. Just about 2 weeks ago he checked into the hospital to detox, my mom had told him if he wanted to go to California for the family reunion he'd better get sober. She also informed him that she took money out of her 401k to help them get caught up on bills (he's also been in and out of work for the last 3 years, not because he can't find a job he just doesn't want to keep them apparently) and with that money she also paid for a divorce attorney and a divorce. All she needed to do was sign the papers and their 30 year relationship would be done. I thought maybe this was the intervention he needed, but alas-- they got home last Saturday, he stayed sober for Father's Day (mainly because he didn't have a choice, the liquor store is closed on Sunday) but he's been drunk the last 2 days. I just want to slap him and shake him and tell him how pathetic it is that he's not even trying and his wife is going to leave him but it won't help anything. If my mom goes through with the divorce, he won't be able to stay in the house. He doesn't have a job. Two of my siblings are currently living home with them, and one is on a mission. There is no where for him to go. His sister in Washington won't take him because she can't have an alcoholic in her home, she's taking care of my grandpa. I won't enable him. I don't want an alcoholic in my home. But what do I do? Let him become homeless? How am I supposed to let my own father go homeless?

2. Matt and I have been trying to have a baby for the last year and a half. I've finally just started charting and have just recently finished my first complete cycle of charting. I ovulated on day 20 and started my period 9 days later. My luteal phase is 9 days. 12-14 is optimal, but mine is 9. I will chart for a few more months to see if there's a pattern or if it's just a fluke but I still can't help but be frustrated with my body. How much is it going to cost to fix a luteal phase defect? And what will it entail? I already have anxiety about it. Wonderful.

3. I need to fix my stupid car AGAIN! It's about $900. I need new tires before my inspection in August and that's about $400.  My beautiful fur baby needs a $2000 (that's if we get a good deal)  surgery sometime soon, and we're supposed to go out to NY in September for a family wedding. Why was I not born independently wealthy?

I've been trying to stay positive because I have a lot to be happy about. I have a pretty great family, and great in-laws. I have THREE beautiful niblings that call me Aunt Barbara. I have a fantastic, wonderful, amazing, stellar, perfect husband that would do anything for me including dying my hair, and painting my toes. I have the BEST friends. I have a good job that's steady, and fun. My husband has a job that takes wonderful care of him. But I still can't shake this feeling of drowning, this feeling of wanting to break down and cry for days. It won't help anything, but it still sounds tempting.

I apologize for bringing you all down with my rant about how hard my pretty great life is-- I know there are others out there dealing with more than what I am, I just need to have a pity party for a second. If you made it to the end, thanks for letting me vent.